Tingan rode the Shrimp Boat.
10:30 PM

Haha. Decided that I may put up one or two entries from my personal diary. Those that are... very reflective, but yet not so revealing at the same time. Those of personal growth & reflection. I will censor some private stuff though, & maybe bold/italic some impt messages.

17th September(2 weeks after my operation; still in wheelchair)

Anyway, today I felt like he's treating me the way I treat those 308 boys -.-. Like, won't say hi/talk/respond much, & won't even acknowledge their presence unless I have to -.- Kinda sad (很是失落感). Maybe he was busy...(censored). Didn't say hi to me at all. Sometimes I feel proud of my unique-ness but sometimes I feel jealous of other people. Won't say la -.- Dunno why I just can't be better. Or why the present me is not as 'good' as them. I think I'm going crazy. That 幸福的星期五（幸せな火曜日）seems quite far away. Well not really. Just that I'm slowly losing that 幸福的感觉（幸せな気持ち）, mood getting further away. Wish I can gain back my all-time cheerfulness, innocence & confidence that I had in yr1.

21st September(Friday, CCA day)

It's nice going to the lift/canteen/places after lessons together with my classmates, like Johannes, Cedric, Viona, Joyce, Rashidah, Khanh, Steph, Timo & Beryl. Quite like bro&sis, different feeling from 202... but I guess I am happy.

I realise that these few weeks I've been in wheelchair, there weren't many times that I felt down la. The eCRUSH teacher(Ms. Cynthia) told me to keep up my enthusiasm. I realise that I've been quite effortlessly maintaining a smile on my face for the past 2 weeks. Well, 2 more weeks left. I really love all those who made my days while I'm on this wheelchair. Though sometimes I really & truly feel that he doens't care for me at all, which is why the reason he actually interacts with me is either 'cos he has to(reason censored to avoid revealing too much) or he wants to play with my wheelchair la. (censored)

Ever since I found out I could immobilely play badminton, I've been looking forward to today. Yet, Ms Loh came up & disallowed me to. I understand her intentions, I really do. But I can't help but feel so disappointed. Mag says I must be a worthy opponent to him. But now I can't. Even if playing badminton is really for my own recreation, fun joy & laughter. & he doesn't care at all even when I'm in this state. I feel a bit pathetic. Seeing how I can only get his (censored word) sympathy on the day before the operation. & the he doesn't care at all anymore. =/

lol. how is this a 完美游戏?

a bit tired. but determined to stay cheerful. 308 rox. HAHA.

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I guess after reading the above entries, you readers have just understood a bigger part of me in addition to that part of me you initially knew(which might probably be as small as a midget, even IF you have known me for 3 years).

Today after canoe polo, whatever happened made me realise that communication is really something very important. Sometimes, you really feel very helpless and trapped, when you're stuck in some space with someone yet you find nothing to say. It's like every word out of your mouth just kills whatever good impression that person has of you, so you'd rather not invite irritated glares.

Well, maybe it's because we are living in different worlds. Such that when I talk to others on msn, I can't always find a topic and the conversation just ends after "hi". Sickening, isn't it. Well, from a movie I saw-- 2 worlds are better than one. Because when 2 worlds come together, we experience another world instead of the one that we have. Maybe I can't really find anyone who understands my world yet, but whatever it is, I will not force it onto you. But I will try my best to understand yours, so I hope you will really just... take the initiative to strike a conversation the next time, instead of me always feeling stupid 'cos I started it, or did those stupid attention-grabbing antics. It's just not very fair to me I think.

I guess when we grow up, especially after so many years, there will inevitably be this wall between us. It's part and parcel of growing up, I know. It's kinda hard to accept though.

I remember Vanessa telling me that when she's free and lying in bed, she will be thinking about her past memories. She's very happy to be reminiscing about them, but at the same time she's sad 'cos she knows they won't happen anymore. (I still think Vanessa is a very lucky girl)

Well yeah. I do that sometimes too. I used to reminisce very very frequently in the past. I was sad they weren't with me anymore, and that compared to the present, the present just totally sucks. Thinking back, I guess I just hadn't tried to enjoy the present.

At least now, I won't think too much about the past. I've learnt to accept that they won't come back anymore because science doesn't allow us(at the moment) to go back in time. I have learnt to take things in my stride and enjoy every moment I have. 'Cos I guess if I do, they will become beautiful memories in the future. But those past memories keep tugging at the back of my mind. I still do get upset about them, but thankfully not as frequently as the past.

Sometimes when I feel sad, I hate to think that the people around me just wave off my emotions as "being emo". It's so... inconsiderate and... superficial.

At least, after having gone through so much myself, I can safely say that whenever you(my friends) feel sad, I'll always be here for you no matter how others wave your emotions off(unapologetically for that matter). I'll try to understand you, and will offer my opinions and advice. I'm really gonna try real hard.

Just talk to me, k.